The Power of Yes

This article changed my life.

Flo doesn’t follow blogs, but I talk to her and process with her a lot of the more interesting stuff. And I talked about that with her, saying that was something revelatory for me. It’s something that I’ve truly taken to heart, and it has dramatically improved our sex life. 

I’ve spent most of my sexual life ignoring my desire. Z was a cross dresser, but any gender bending from my side was not acceptable. A lot of people who’ve heard this that it seems unfair, but it isn’t. He took a risk telling me he was a cross dresser; it would have been well within my rights to end the relationship at that point for that reason. Lots of people really aren’t into that, but he was lucky; I was. He, however, likes feminine girls. I kept my hair long for him, I wore skirts and dresses and heels. In exchange, I got cover. He was really not interested in masculine-looking girls. Expressing myself in that manner around him wasn’t something he could accept, so I kept it to myself.

All this makes it hard to follow through with what I want, and what Flo wants, too.

I take a particular pleasure in being the sexual aggressor, though it can be hard to act upon for fears of presumption, or of crossing my PIC’s sexual boundaries. I treat her with the same sensitivity, the same tentativeness that I approach my own sexuality with, even when she’s made it explicit how she wants to be treated and touched. Because I really couldn’t trust what Flo was saying she wanted and as a result didn’t trust that she would stop me if I did something she didn’t like, and didn’t feel like I was empowered to do things I’ve always wanted to, that she’s asked for, because I only knew that I would stop the second she said no. I was so ready to stop on a dime that I couldn’t start rolling.

So I decided to stop requiring constant validation that I was doing what she wanted, because it was so insistent it was taking me out of the moment. Things rapidly changed. We were all ready having great sex, but it became fantastic. And then Flo started talking about what she wanted, really talking. And so did I. And recently it developed into a really great dynamic.

Generally Flo occupies a receptive role during sex. We’ve spoken about why she tends to say that she’s most interested in bottoming even when this might not be true. So we’ve been uncovering her toppy, assertive side more. Before when we’ve tried, she tended to copy my style of straight-up dominance and submission. Which is ok, but I really have to be in a subby mood, which is rare. Truthfully my style of sub is snotty and aggressive in itself, which takes someone willing to be physically controlling and verbally humiliating to me.  This time, that happened because she slapped me (playfully) for something. So I commented that I wished she’d do that in bed, and did whatever she slapped me for again, and it escalated from there. It was wonderful.
She commented later that she’s really beginning to trust in our method of keeping things safe (three light taps to slow down, three good hits to put on the emergency brakes and check in immediately). Before, we had a safe-word that neither of us felt really secure in, because things can get out of hand in an instant. The taps are more instinctual without being something that would go unnoticed or accidentally unheeded.

I think that she feels, we both feel, more trusting at this point in this relationship than either of us has previously. Once I, personally, silently, decided to accept her yesses at face value, both our sex lives improved exponentially. She saw, didn’t just hear my trust in her, and so she has begun to trust me in the same way. For a change, this worked without the copious words that have so far made up the foundation of our trust. Now all that’s left to say is “wow, that was great!”

~ by yondergen on January 27, 2010.