Punch in the Chest

While, on paper things don’t look great for me — I’m a graduate no closer to working in my desired field now than when I received my degree, I lost my job in March due to what I believe was discrimination, and my partner is going to be physically accessible an average five days a month — I’m actually doing great. I’ve had a chance to reconnect with my friends and regain a lot of the happiness that was hammered out of me over the winter; I feel healthier and more whole, rather than picked apart. I’m slowly unlearning poverty-shame and breaking the connection between what I do to make money and my self-worth.

My online absence speaks volumes to the fact that real life has kept me hopping. I was never a big internet addict in the first place, and I kind of let this project wither as I haven’t been chained to a laptop since I finished my undergrad. But I recently was given some encouragement from a living, breathing butch sister so here I am, writing drafts again and catching up on others’ posts when a short update from genderkid knocked the wind out of me. Somehow, it brought me right back to January for Flo’s top surgery (more on this, perhaps, some other day; the short of it being that things went almost impeccably), to the image and sensation of my own bound chest, to Flo’s chest when hir wounds were new, and to these two thoughts, clear as bells and utterly contradictory: “I WANT TOP SURGERY”  and “I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WANT”.

Perhaps this is a reminder of one last part of me that remains neglected, as this site has. I had a pretty intense and long-lasting freak-out culminating in late December, the second of two in roughly three months. After that I was looking after Flo for six solid weeks and just haven’t given much more thought to it. I was simply exhausted. I quit binding, temporarily stopped packing, no longer had the energy to try to pass as male, let other concerns fill up my waking brain. It certainly hasn’t been a bad thing, I’ve felt more ‘level’ in these past four months than I have in the whole year before. But the questions raised as I try to navigate a body and a gender perception that rarely match up have proven tenacious, so fodder remains for this blog in the months to come.

As always, I welcome your thoughts.

Y

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~ by yondergen on May 30, 2011.

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